To those that may not yet have heard, I’ve lost my brother, Brian, this past weekend.

I’ve known him for near all of my life and even lived with him practically all through his. I was the older brother by two years, and maybe I treated him too much like a little brother. Even though he graduated college before me, and securing a real salary job (related to his degree even). We’ve practically been inseparable.

Even the name “Fes” I use today, dates back to when we were children. We played “journalist” and wrote newspapers under the monikers “Jimmy Fes and Jonny Fes”. We were known as “The Brothers, Fes” for a bit by my parents. Many years later, I took the name on as my internet identity, even though Brian was more often nicknamed “Fes” by my dad…. at least I think I’m remembering all of that right.

When I had my first real, long-term girlfriend, Heidi, he hated her because she “stole [his] David”. In time We became a trio of trouble, even after  Heidi and I broke up. Brian and I shared a few friends, and we also had our own. I regret not being able to know many of his friends, as trying to contact them has been difficult. With his passing, Heidi has been deeply affected. Even after we’ve moved farther from each other, Brian was still one of her best friends.

Brian had a knack for writing stories in notebooks ever since he was a kid. He designed several video game ideas, and once had desires to program them. While I did get started on web programming before him, he took off on learning several different kinds of computer languages. We were kinda like that. I would start something, he’d follow, but only learn faster and do better. Even when I would start playing a certain video game. I may get bored with the game, but he’d blast right through it, and even beat the game while I watched.

We used to record music from video games when we were kids. With the advent of the internet, we would find all sorts of communities dedicated to video game music. This eventually lead to him “tracking” his own music, often inspired by classic video game stylings. He’s made several tunes, and I’ve even used some of his later samples for a webcomic podcast I do.

Brian and I did lots of things together. We’ve even been roommates practically the whole time we’ve moved out from our parents. Though we fought a lot, as brothers do, we still had great times together. be it playing video games, watching movies, going camping, or just hanging out.

Brian wasn’t a very social person, but there were a few things he shared with me that he didn’t share with more than a few other people. However, there were things that he didn’t share, but I at least knew a bit about. He had been suffering from depression for several years. From what I could tell, it was fairly internalized. He had recently started cutting himself off from the rest of his family. Part of which, I’m certain, was to make it easier for both them, and himself, for what was to come.

Though he was loved by our large family, several friends, and his brother… in an act of desperation, choose to end his suffering while I was at work… after some short sorting, it was obvious he had been planning for a long time, and even wanted to make the aftermath easier on everyone.

…. He was found on Saturday morning, March 27th, 2010, by myself….

Upon helping to set up his final service, I’ve had too hard of a time finding pictures of him. If there is anything that everyone can take from this experience, it is this: TAKE MORE PICTURES, before you no longer have the chance to. TAKE. MORE. PICTURES.

He will be missed and loved by all his family and friends… and especially his brother… who thought he could protect him from anything, and always be there for him.  I may never know all the answers, and it will take some time to more easily move forward; but the pain will always be there… and I would never want to forget.

Link to: Pictures (coming soon)